Wednesday, October 31, 2012

31/31: Improv!

This month, I shared the jokes I found on Facebook and tried to tell as many as possible to friends and family throughout the month. I'm terrible at telling jokes, so this was a fun challenge each day. And, although most the jokes are kind of terrible, I'm walking away with a few good jokes in my pocket.

To cap off the month, I joined a 6 week improv class. I've had more fun that I could have imagined. It's just ridiculous fun! Silly craziness! And something that is pure fun, for fun and nothing else. Added bonus, I found some wonderful, fun new friends too!

3/31: Hitchhiker

"I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.”

31/31: Sausages

Two sausages are frying in a pan. One says to the other: "it's hot in here!" The other one screams: "AHHHH! A talking sausage!"

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

30/31: Speeding

"My wife sent me a text warning me about a speed trap and cop around the corner from our house. I laughed and showed it to the cop"

Monday, October 29, 2012

29/31: Hawaii

"A friend was looking for gift ideas for his anniversary so he asked his friend what he bought for his wife on their 50th anniversary. The friend said 'I gave my wife a plane ticket to Hawaii on our 25th anniversary'....'Yes, but what did you give her for your 50th?' which he responded: 'For our 50th, I sent her another ticket to bring her back from Hawaii'

Sunday, October 28, 2012

28/31: Mathematicians...

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders one quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're a bunch of idiots" and pours two beers."

Friday, October 26, 2012

26/31: Taxi

"Interesting Experience...

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, most of us have been lucky over the years not to have had brushes with the law on our way home from various social engagements.

However, a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends. I had several glasses of beer and finished things off with a tequila shot. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well that I was, at least slightly, over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I came up on a police road block. But because I was in a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely, without a single incident; a real surprise! I have
never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it."

(Don't drink and dive. It's dumb.)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

25/31: Baby

"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The former walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

24/31: Cars

"There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

23/31: Vegetarian

"A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear,celery out of the other,and a mushroom up his nose. He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong. The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

Monday, October 22, 2012

22/31: Cab Driver

"A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK...... My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Sunday, October 21, 2012

21/31: Robbery

"An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'"

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Friday, October 19, 2012

19/31: Budweiser

"Honestly, Budweiser, I only had two officers!"

(Don't drink and drive. That's just dumb!)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

18/31: Chocoholics Anonymous

"Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?"

"¡ʇınb oʇ sʇuɐʍ ǝuo ou ǝsnɐɔǝq

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

17/31: Yogi

"What did the yogi say to the hot dog vendor?

"buıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ɥʇıʍ ǝuo ǝɯ ǝʞɐɯ˙˙˙

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

16/31: Tree

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?"

Monday, October 15, 2012

15/31: Blonde

"A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Sunday, October 14, 2012

14/31: Camo

"I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any."

Saturday, October 13, 2012

13/31: What is...

"What is brown and sticky?
ʞɔıʇs ɐ"

Friday, October 12, 2012

12/31: Students

"Four students from Los Angeles drove up to Santa Barbara for the weekend. UCSB lived up to reputation with the best bars and campus parties. The students had such a wild time, they didn’t leave any time to study for their Monday exam in organic chemistry. They devised a story to tell their professor about how they travelled to UCSB to conduct research and study, but ended up with a flat tire on their way back to LA. They promised to take the test on Tuesday morning, first thing. The professor agreed. After studying all day Monday, the students arrived to class Tuesday fully prepared for their exam.

She placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them an exam (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?"

Thursday, October 11, 2012

11/31: Conan

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.'' —Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

9/31: Octopus

"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!"

Monday, October 8, 2012

8/31: Descartes

"René Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. 'I think not,' he says and vanishes into thin air."

Friday, October 5, 2012

5/31: Squirrel

"How does a naturalist catch a squirrel?

.....He climbs up a tree and acts like a nut."

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

3/31: Two types of people...

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

2/31: Milk

- Doctor, I drank milk that was past its expiration date. What'll happen to me? Am I gonna die?
- Well everyone is going to die some day,you know....
- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Joketober 1/31

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

*Most Joketobers were found on the web. Sorry I don't have the sources!