24/31: Cars

"There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."

23/31: Vegetarian

"A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear,celery out of the other,and a mushroom up his nose. He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong. The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

22/31: Cab Driver

"A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK...... My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

21/31: Robbery

"An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'"

20/31: Lumpia

"How do you fight lumpia?"

"¡ʇıɔuɐd noʎ

 

19/31: Budweiser

"Honestly, Budweiser, I only had two officers!"

(Don't drink and drive. That's just dumb!)

18/31: Chocoholics Anonymous

"Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?"





"¡ʇınb oʇ sʇuɐʍ ǝuo ou ǝsnɐɔǝq

17/31: Yogi

"What did the yogi say to the hot dog vendor?
















"buıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ɥʇıʍ ǝuo ǝɯ ǝʞɐɯ˙˙˙

16/31: Tree

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?"

15/31: Blonde

"A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

14/31: Camo

"I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any."

13/31: What is...

"What is brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
ʞɔıʇs ɐ"

12/31: Students

"Four students from Los Angeles drove up to Santa Barbara for the weekend. UCSB lived up to reputation with the best bars and campus parties. The students had such a wild time, they didn’t leave any time to study for their Monday exam in organic chemistry. They devised a story to tell their professor about how they travelled to UCSB to conduct research and study, but ended up with a flat tire on their way back to LA. They promised to take the test on Tuesday morning, first thing. The professor agreed. After studying all day Monday, the students arrived to class Tuesday fully prepared for their exam.

She placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them an exam (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?"

11/31: Conan

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.'' —Conan O'Brien

10/31: Ice Cube

" HELP ME I AM CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE......... never mind I am good!"

9/31: Octopus

"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!"

8/31: Descartes

"René Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. 'I think not,' he says and vanishes into thin air."

7/31: Marathon

http://marathonnicki.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/cartoon2.jpg

6/31: From Imgur

http://imgur.com/gallery/rsQ93

5/31: Squirrel

"How does a naturalist catch a squirrel?

.....He climbs up a tree and acts like a nut."

4/31: Buddhist Colony

3/31: Two types of people...

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…

2/31: Milk

- Doctor, I drank milk that was past its expiration date. What'll happen to me? Am I gonna die?
- Well everyone is going to die some day,you know....
- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

Joketober 1/31

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

*Most Joketobers were found on the web. Sorry I don't have the sources! 

September Letters

I was a bit pressed on time this month (working 70 hours a week, plus a consulting job too), so I shifted gears a bit from full letters to postcards. Each day I wrote a postcard to someone special. The month includes family and friends that I'm close to, family and friends from afar, and a few thank you post cards... I even sent my first fan mail in my life to Arcade Fire.  A bit silly, but I love this band and wanted to express my thanks!

A great month that I enjoyed thoroughly!

Skirball

Today I treated a stranger to a ticket to the Skirball Cultural Center.

Ronald McDonald!

I volunteered with some of my amazing, fun, creative colleagues to prepare dinner for 50 guests of the Ronald McDonald House. Loved every minute of it!

Hopeful for the homeless

I left another care package for the homeless tonight. Again, it feels too small to make a difference. But still better than nothing...

Helping the Homeless

I've heard that the homeless often need basic toiletries, in addition to food and shelter. Today I dropped off two care packages (one for yesterday and one for today) of toothpaste and other daily products to the homeless. I'm sure they need much more than what I can give, but it's a start....

Bedside flowers

So many nursing homes, so little time! Dropped off another potted plant to a nursing home today. These little acts of kindness put everything into perspective....I should really take more time to build on that thought and to examine what matters most. I think I know, but it's so easy to forget....

Blooms for seniors

I left two pots of flowers at a nursing home in Los Alamitos today. I asked the receptionist to give them to residents who never have visitors. I think this may be something I continue to do monthly....so often the elderly are simply forgotten....